Ok, I’m not going to lie. NO ONE can afford this dress. Before you get drawn into the lust abyss with me, just keep telling yourself that you CAN’T HAVE THIS DRESS. You need the money for food shopping, and train tickets, and brain medication. Ok? Ok.
First things first. The material. It’s made of neoprene, which, aside from sounding like a futuristic disease, is stiffer than a lot of material. Thus, structurally, this dress is sound. In other words, it keeps your wibbles and wobbles at bay, and won’t let your milkers jump around.
Secondly, it’s part of the ever-wonderful Asos Black collection. Hailed as the dark rebel brother of the clean-cut Asos White collection, Asos Black takes basic ideas and transforms them into something wonderful. Think good-fitting dresses with an additions that will make you go WOWSERZ (I’m talking unusual shaped sequins and metal embellishments, rather than a dead hamster.)
Lastly, the shape of this dress is to die for. Eternally flattering, the short sleeve bodycon is a tried-and-tested winner. You can have all the ruffles that you want – nothing will ever be as slimming as straight up and down.
This dress has it all. It’s so beautiful, it makes me want to weep into my soup (carrot & coriander, in case you were wondering).
This dress is the one your mother warned you about.
The one your dad told you you couldn’t see anymore.
The one your brother bought weed off of.
The one your sister had a brief fling in the 80’s with but realised they wanted different things.
Please let me introduce you to the UNATTAINABLE DRESS.
Oh, the beauty.
This dress is quite unlike anything I’ve seen before. The laser-cut detail is inspired, if nothing else. The double (or maybe triple? This is not a time for underestimation) layering in dual colours adds even more interest, and the sleeves/shoulders are the stars of the show.
It’s just lovely.
Not to mention available in sizes 6-18.
The worst part is, at £150, we can’t afford it. Maybe if we’d put all of our money together, we could buy it, and wear it on separate days? But if we’re going to do that, we might as well just all buy a flat together. And I’m not sharing a flat with you. Not after what you did last time.
Either way, this dress will remain a hypothetical dream. I suppose part of it’s beauty is it’s unattainable nature…
Screw it. Monday morning, we’re raiding the Asos warehouse. Grab your balaclava, Muriel.