Best of the Sales: Topshop

Ok, so Topshop’s not exactly the revolutionary plus-size destination, but until they do size 18+, we’ll have to marvel at the size 16- crap and keep throwing paint over the trendy, skinny arseholes inside.

But I couldn’t possibly write a blog post about their sale without showing you this dress. Isn’t it amazing? The velvet. The blue! Oh. It’s how I imagine a mermaid would look if they were a hipster and middle-class. It’s £100, but with an overall saving of 50% (it was an eye-watering £200 before), this baby was designed by exotic mishmash designer Michael Van Der Ham and is the definition of impractical beauty. But it’s £100. And it wouldn’t cover your bingo wings. Sigh.

Dress, £100 - Topshop

Moving onto items we can actually afford…

Bad is back baby (did it ever leave?!) and Cruella De Vil would step over her own mother to get this cape. It will look like you’ve just raided a pet shop, but who cares when your WEARING A FUR CAPE!? Let’s get some perspective, people. Originally sold at a rather overpriced £60, it is now a more manageable £20 and will fit over anyone’s ham-like shoulders. That’s what I call adaptable fashion.

Cape, £20 - Topshop

The day I get tired of stripes, shoot me. This oversized jumper dress would look great over leggings. Size 16 only – £15.

Dress, £15 - Topshop

And where would we all be without a funky hair accessory? Why, we’d be cavemen indeed. The reviews of this cute hairband aren’t great (the person who ordered it found the sun and moon came off – bit awkward as it’s meant to be “premium”) but a little bit of superglue never hurt anyone. Everything in life requires a little bit of give and take – fashion is no exception….

Headband, £4.50 - Topshop

As you can tell, all nice things. See – you don’t have to be a skinny binny to enjoy Topshop – but by God, it really helps.

Let me drag Topshop off of it’s elitist pedestal by making one final point…

What the **** is this?!

Bra - £8 - Topshop (do you seriously want to buy it?!)

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