The tale of the Clements Ribeiro Matchstick trousers… and even more jewellery…

So I did end up getting the Clements Ribeiro trousers. Remember I said I would? I did it, bitches! But I ordered a 16 and an 18… I needn’t had bothered, because the waist was elasticated and would have fit anyway.

Trousers, £45 - Evans

So, the 16 was ok waist-wise, but they were baggy in the legs. Also, the leg length was longer than Nick Clegg’s list of regrets.  Apparently, most of Evan’s customers are Naomi-Campbell-tall.  So even if I keep a pair, I’ll have to get my mum to take them up a bit.

The 16 was big enough- probably more than big enough. I know they’re meant to look like pyjamas, but the leg was too baggy so I’ve hesitantly ordered a size 14 (which I am most certainly not).

The 14 will probably give me a massive camel toe. Sigh.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

I also saw an amazing earring on www.fatshopaholic.com from Regalrose.co.uk – look at it! It’s a snake!!!!! Argh!

I just had to have it.

Earring, £15 - Regal Rose

It was £15 – which is kinda expensive for one earring – but it was too amazing. The forces were too strong.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull it off, but I’ll give it a damn good try.

Stay tuned for pictures of my camel toe. Coming to a blog near you.

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Evans Rant-O-Rama

I haven’t posted for a few days… I think my brain is still recovering from my six-pair shoe blow-out. That was a bit reckless, wasn’t it? But dammit – I look stylish!

Anyway, my post today is going to be a bit of a rant, I’m afraid. A rant about our old friend, Evans.

I’m not even sure where to begin, because looking through their current offerings, there are only a few pieces that even momentarily draw my attention – and they’re all in the ominously titled “Collection”.

Dress, £85 - Evans

This dress is one of the best things on the site at the moment – the one glimmer of hope in an abyss of geometic flowers and elasticated gypsy tops. And it will only set you back a measley £85. Why not get two?!

Everything else on the webesite is the epitomy of everything that curvy women hate. No, larger patterns don’t make us look smaller. They just give people on the street migraines. And no, no-one wants white wide-leg crinkle trousers. The name sounds like a dish from Masterchef, and the product is hideous as well as unflattering to EVERYONE.

I’m afraid, bearing all of this in mind, I won’t go into Evans again for the forseeable future, or at least when someone tells me they have changed their designs or released an exciting collaboration. Before, I was sutured to them in that they were my sole (gettit?) shoe provider. But now I have Clarks (which are better fitting, better designed and infinitely better quality). I no longer need Evans for it’s questionable designs and half-hearted output.

This has been a long-time coming, and I think Evans can no longer monopolise the plus-size highstreet market, and, as with anything in this world, you need to continually evolve to stay alive. Evans has not evolved with other plus-size destinations, and I’m sad to say that today, Evans, you have lost a very loyal customer indeed.

I’m sure we’ll meet again in the future – but until then, have a nice life.

Clarks Shoe Blow-Out

It’s official. I am now poor. I have gone shoe mad. It’s a long and arduous story, which starts somewhere in the abyss of the high-street and involves a plucky yet surprisingly world-weary girl. Let us begin…

I have great trouble finding the right shoes – I have wide flippers that are basically made of paper, and anything less than a well-made shoe tears them up like Lewis Hamilton tears up Silverstone. In the last few years, I have made Evans my shoe home, as they make fantastic boots all in the widest fit known to man. But their pumps leave a lot to be desired.

So, at the end of a weary shoe journey, I decided to re-visit the Great British institution and Gran’s favourite, Clarks. I haven’t been into a Clarks in years, but I thought, hey, even Leslie Grantham was given a second chance, so why not Clarks?

Boy, was I surprised. Row upon row of gorgeous and wide-fitting shoes! All leather. All under £60. I wanted everything.

So I bought everything.

Well, not quite everything.

Only six pairs.

!

!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, Ok…. before you judge, I have to show you them all and offer you the relentless logic that led me onto this ridiculous path.

First up, the ivory brogues.

Brogues, £49.99 - Clarks

Oh, they’re so cute. Made of soft leather, these will go with summer dresses. Summer dresses!!! These reminded me of spring, and are very comfy indeed. They’re my first ever pair of brogues, and to them my heart will always belong.

Next up, Liberty’s finest.

Heels, £54.99 - Clarks

I think these are gorgeous. The heel size is absolutely perfect for a shoe spaz such as me, and the Liberty-designed material inside makes them très luxurious. The ribbon is really sweet, but Clarks anticipate the ribbon-haters, and provide a pair of blue laces too, just in case you want a different look. How thoughtful! These are also lovely and soft inside. Finally, a pair of glorious heels that I can actually walk in!

In fact, I liked them so much that I also brought….. the flat pair.

Flats, £49.99 - Clarks

These are perfect for dressy outfits when you can’t be arsed with heels. And who can?

Right. Prepare to meet Brogues v.2.

Brogues, £49.99 - Clarks

These are so soft to wear, and I felt I needed a shoe to counteract the ivory of the first ones. I can wear these to work with a skirt, or with a dress. Or with skinny jeans. Ha.Lle. Lu. Jah.

Heels no. 2……….

Heels, £54.99 - Clarks

When something ain’t broke, don’t fix it. These heels are no way as exciting as their blue brothers, but they still look cute on and will go with more stuff. Plus, you could always replace the ribbon with something more jazzy. Black and white, maybe? Or purple? Ooooh.

Last, but not least….

Pumps, £39.99 - Clarks

Sporty pumps! These are plain enough to wear in summer with dresses or shorts, but floral enough not to be a right snore-fest. They also make my feet look tiny. Score!

All of the shoes here, save the last white pumps, are available in wide fitting (I went for 6 and a half E). The pumps I got in a 7 as there was no wide fitting, and they still fit ok.

So, in short, Clarks have really upped their game. Of course, they still maintained the horrible (yet necessary) granny styles because that’s what’s required of them. But the designs of these shoes really are excellent. And there are more lovely ones in store. Look at these wonderful ochre heels for example. I think what I’ve been most impressed with is that Clarks have thought of comfort AND style, rather than one or the other. They care about the wearability (new word!), but the shoes also make you feel good.

Overall, it’s been a long yet worthwhile discovery.

As you can see, I have zero monies left. But as least I’ll die a stylish pauper, right? Riiiight?

Marks and Spencer’s ‘Plus’ Range

Since when did Marks and Spencer start doing a plus size range? They must not have included me in their memo. Thanks, arseholes!

Anyway, brash offense aside, I’ve been perusing the digital realms of the new Plus range on Marks’ website. I have to say, given M&S’s target market, that I am pleasantly surprised.

Plus seems to cover sizes 20-28, which is more sizes than most outlets offer. Good times! Traditionally, everyone knows Marks is a bit fuddy duddy, but in the last few years they’ve split their clothes into separate sections to make Per Una, Classic, Indigo, Autograph, M&S Woman and my personal fave, Limited. This was certainly a good thing for the company, which threw off some of it’s ‘ageing comfort’ image and introduced sexy people, like Ryan Reynolds and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley who walk wistfully around the city, barely looking at each other lest they shatter into a frenzy of sexiness.

Campaign for Autograph Spring/Summer collection.

But anyway, my point is, knowing M&S’s demographic, you can’t blame them for playing it safe with their Plus range. They don’t have the freedom that Asos Curve have, for example, and if they started doing size 28 neon leggings, someone would suffer an epileptic fit.

All in all, the patterns are unsurprisingly and the cuts expected. But take a look at this star print dress. It’s nothing to write home about, but surely it means they are moving in the right direction?  And it would probably look cute if you’re planning a foray into space.

Dress, £35 - Marks and Spencer

Hopefully, they’ll expand the selection and cater for everyone, from the Limited Collection lovers to the Classic lovers. Soon,  we’ll all be one happy M&S family at one big piss-up, with Ryan Reynolds serving vol-au-vents, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley pouting quietly in the corner and Lisa Snowdon doing the robot on the table.

Shopping Bonanza

Sorry for the radio silence, campers. In the last two or so weeks, I’ve had a life overhaul. I’ve gained a new job, lost a boyfriend, gained a new hair colour and dreamt that Ricky from Eastenders was my best friend.

So, as you can see, I’ve been busy.

My new hair colour, despite my disastrous application, is the Live XXL foam thingy in Dark Cherry Bliss. Yeah, the one that looks like an ice cream.

Hair dye, £5.99 - Superdrug

It’s apparently as easy as a prostitute to apply, but as usual, I managed to balls the whole thing up and ended up dying my bath mat a lovely conker red. So I initially went into the high street to buy a new bath mat. Obviously, the Gods of Shopping had other plans and I ended up buying shedloads.

I keep seeing bright jeans everywhere. All the cool kids are wearing them, but I never know if I should get a pair. Firstly, I’m not a beanpole who can get away with wearing pale yellow on my tree trunk thighs and secondly, I’m not paying £40+ for a pair of jeans I’ll only wear for one season.

Marks and Spencer to the rescue!

Jeggings, £22.50 - Marks and Spencer

How annoying is Lisa Snowdon in this picture? What is she doing? Pretending to be some bloody demented flamingo doing an impression of a crab? And talk about airbrushed. Bah. That aside, the jeans are great. They’re bright but dark, and -I know I always say it but it’s always true – Marks and Spencer’s jeans fit wonderfully. I won’t be teaming them with red elf shoes or Snowdon-style smugness, but I’m sure they’ll be a wardrobe staple as the weather gets warmer.

Speaking of spring, a new season means new make up. Gone is the heavy black liquid eyeliner, and hello to pink lips and candy-coloured eyes. I know I’m not one for talking about make-up, but I do love it and I live by the same rule as I do clothes – cheap and chic.

I got this eye palette in Boots. I saw it in Canary Wharf and they’d run out, so when I went shopping yesterday and saw it, I nabbed it!

17 eye palette, £5.99 - Boots

It’s from the Boots own brand 17 – basically No 7’s cheaper cousin. I always assume it’s made from the same old stuff, just half the price. And at £5.99, you can’t really go wrong. The colours are a matte pink, lilac, gold and yellow. All quite subtle and perfect for spring . And such cute packaging. Unfortunately, mine broke a little bit when I got home. Sad face. It’s still usable but some of the spring magic has died. Sigh.

Because I bought this palette and two mascaras (3 for 2 on 17 make-up, guys!), I got one of those £5 No 7 vouchers which they seem to hand out as if they’re going out of fashion. Never being one to turn down a coupon, I went back to the No 7 counter and saw this beauty:

No 7 lipstick in Blossoming Pink, £10 - Boots

Ooh, doesn’t it make you go all sunshiney just looking at it? On first look, I suppose it’s kinda scary looking fluoro pink, but when I tried it on my hand, it’s wonderfully sheer, so you get the colour but the townspeople don’t run away from you. Overall, it looks beautiful on and goes surprisingly well with my new red ‘do. It’s £10, but if you nab one of those No 7 vouchers, it’s a cool fiver.

Last are these t-shirts from French Connection. I know, I know – I’m not a millionaire, but French Connection have amazing sales and love doing oversize boxy t-shirts, which can easily fit a size 16-20. I bought this t-shirt for £13.50.

T-Shirt, £13.50 - French Connection

It was originally £30 (!!), and, as with all French Connection clothes, it’s beautifully made and should last for years. I liked it so much in fact, that I went to get another in blue and white today, which on the label said £10.75. When she scanned it, it came through at £30 and the assistant said that Head Office had pulled it out the sale. I basically got all up in her grill, telling her that if I’d bought it yesterday, I would have paid a third of the price. She was like, “Yeah. You can have it today, but it’ll cost you £30.”

Cheeky cow. Keep your £30 t-shirt.

So bitterness still prevails, I’m afraid. But didn’t I have a nice day? And I am mucho pleased with my new lipstick.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading about my Monday. And even if you didn’t, you won’t get these minutes back. Such is the futility of life. Hahaha.

Pick of the day: Asos Lace Dress

Do you know what material I’m glad was invented? Lace. Not only does it look snazzy on dresses and is an acceptable way to have arms on a wedding dress (just ask K Middy) – it also keeps nosy neighbours from peering in and seeing you do your Davina workout DVD. Talk about adaptable!

We’ve had oodles of lace though. It’s been with us for so many seasons now, and sometimes you need something that looks a little more fresh.

You could do a Gaga and splatter intestines over yourself, or alternatively, if you’re a vegetarian, you could go for Asos’ cute colour clash.

The other nice thing about lace is that it very rarely looks trampy (if you exclude the Big Fat Gypsy Wedding cast, that is). It looks prim and sexy simultaneously, which has only been seen before on the secretary. This dress comes in two gorgeous colour combos – I could hardly make up my mind which to get! I went for blue and green in case you’re wondering. I just really want to be a mermaid.

It’s in the sale too , and at the moment, Asos are offering 10% off sale items. That makes it £18. You’d pay that in Pizza Express for a pizza and a glass of wine! Do me a favour – starve yourself of pizza and become a mermaid instead. On the downside, you’ll have to wear a bra made of shells. On the upside, you’re a FRIGGIN’ MERMAID.

Available in sizes 6-18.

Dress, £20 - Asos